A reflection on authenticity, pride, and the fear of what others think.
People tell you to be yourself.
That sounds good until you actually do it.
There are times I walk into a room and try not to think too much about how I am coming across. I talk. I laugh. I get excited about something. Maybe I tell a story longer than I should. Maybe I say what I really think instead of giving the safer answer.
Then I leave.
And the second-guessing starts.
I wonder if I was too much.
Too loud.
Too serious.
Too excited.
Too honest.
I start wishing I had kept more to myself.
That is the strange thing about being told to “just be yourself.” Sometimes people mean it. Sometimes they mean, “Be yourself, as long as the version of you that shows up is easy for me.”
I have felt that.
And if I am honest, I have probably done it to other people too.
Everybody likes authenticity until it becomes inconvenient.
That is where I have had to slow down, because I can take that frustration and turn it into an excuse.
I can say, “Well, this is just who I am.”
That sentence can cover a lot of nonsense.
Sometimes I do talk too much.
Sometimes I interrupt.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I want to say that I stop listening.
Sometimes I mistake passion for permission to dominate a conversation.
Scripture does not let me hide behind personality.
James says:
“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
Slow to speak.
That one lands on me.
There are moments when I need to shut up and listen.
There are things I do not need to explain.
There are conversations where somebody else needs the room more than I do.
Being myself does not mean everybody else has to absorb me exactly as I come.
That is not freedom.
That can become selfishness.
Paul wrote:
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.”
That matters because I do not want “authenticity” to become another word for pride.
But there is another side to this too.
There have been times when I was not being humble.
I was hiding.
I knew what I wanted to say and kept quiet because I was afraid somebody would think less of me.
I acted like something did not matter because I did not want anyone to know how much it mattered.
I toned myself down before anybody asked me to.
Sometimes I have walked into a room already deciding which parts of me were acceptable there.
That wears me out.
It also makes me wonder how much of my life I have spent trying to be easy to handle.
Paul asked:
“For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men?”
I do care what people think of me.
Probably more than I should.
I like being understood.
I like knowing I did not make the room awkward.
I like walking away believing everybody thought well of me.
But I cannot make that the thing that decides who I become.
Some people are not going to understand me.
Some are going to think I care too much.
Some will think I talk too much.
Some will not understand the things that matter to me.
That does not automatically mean I need to change.
It also does not automatically mean they are wrong.
That is the part I am learning.
Not every criticism is persecution.
Not every uncomfortable reaction means I was being authentic and everyone else just could not handle it.
Sometimes I need correction.
Sometimes I need restraint.
Sometimes I need to apologize.
And sometimes I need to stop apologizing for things that are not sinful at all.
That is harder to sort out than “just be yourself.”
David prayed:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:”
“And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
I think that is a better prayer.
Search me.
If there is pride in me, show me.
If I am talking when I should be listening, show me.
If I am using honesty as an excuse to be careless, show me.
But if I am shrinking because I am afraid of people, show me that too.
I do not want to become whatever version of myself gets the least resistance.
I want to become more like Christ.
That is different.
Paul wrote:
“And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;”
“And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.”
God is changing me.
That means there are things in me that should not survive.
Pride should not.
Selfishness should not.
The need to be right all the time should not.
Neither should the fear that tells me I have to disappear so everybody else stays comfortable.
Both need to go.
I think that is where I have missed it before.
I thought I had two choices.
Be completely myself and let everybody deal with it.
Or become quieter, safer, easier, and hope people approve.
Neither one is enough.
I need something better.
I need to be teachable without becoming ashamed of myself.
I need to listen without disappearing.
I need to speak honestly without believing every thought deserves to be heard.
I need to care less about being impressive and more about being faithful.
That is what I want.
Not everybody will handle me well.
Sometimes I will not handle myself well either.
That is why I need grace.
That is why I need correction.
That is why I need God.
So maybe “just be yourself” is not really the goal.
I do not want to stay exactly as I am.
I want God to keep working on me.
But I also do not want to keep cutting pieces off myself just because somebody else finds them inconvenient.
If God needs to change it, I want Him to change it.
If it is only fear telling me to shrink, I want to recognize that too.
The room does not get the final word about who I am.
Neither do I.
God does.