He said that He loves me.

I have heard that my whole life.

God loves you.

Jesus loves you.

I know the words. I could probably explain the theology behind them. I know the verses people quote, and I know what I would say to somebody else who was struggling to believe them.

The problem is that sometimes I am not sure I live like I believe any of it applies to me.

That is harder to admit.

I believe God loves people.

I believe Christ died for sinners.

I believe grace is real.

Then I mess something up, say something I should not have said, carry an attitude too long, lose patience, get angry, get proud, get tired, and suddenly I start acting like I have to earn my way back.

That is when I realize how much of this I still do not understand.

The Bible says:

While we were yet sinners.

Not after we got ourselves together.

Not after we proved we were serious.

Not after we cleaned up the mess.

That part matters.

Because I have a habit of thinking I need to fix myself before I come back to God.

I know better, but I still do it.

I withdraw.

I pray less.

I feel embarrassed.

Sometimes I even avoid God in prayer as if He does not already know what happened.

That makes no sense when I say it out loud.

But shame does not always make sense.

It just makes you want to hide.

Adam did that.

He sinned, realized what he had done, and hid.

We have been doing some version of that ever since.

I know I have.

There are things in my life I would rather not look at for too long. Things I wish I had handled differently. Things I have asked forgiveness for more than once.

And there is always that thought:

Surely God is tired of this by now.

I do not know where that thought comes from, but I know it does not sound much like Scripture.

John wrote:

It does not say He forgives reluctantly.

It does not say He forgives until He gets fed up.

It says He is faithful.

That word gets me.

Because I am not always faithful.

He is.

I think some of my trouble comes from the fact that human love can be complicated.

People can love you and still hurt you.

They can say they love you and then leave.

They can love the version of you that is useful to them.

They can love you until you change, fail, disappoint them, or need too much.

I have seen that.

I am sure I have done some of it too.

So sometimes when I hear that God loves me, I hear it through everything I have learned from people.

I wait for the condition.

I love you, but...

I love you as long as...

I love you if...

God does not talk like that.

“God’s love does not begin where my usefulness starts, and it does not end where my failure begins.”

That is easier for me to write than it is to receive.

I am used to earning things.

Respect.

Trust.

Opportunity.

Position.

People’s confidence.

There is nothing wrong with earning those things.

But I think I sometimes carry that same mindset into my relationship with God.

Do better.

Pray more.

Serve more.

Be more disciplined.

Make yourself useful.

Then maybe you will feel secure.

But love is not wages.

I cannot earn what Christ already gave.

That bothers the part of me that likes to feel in control.

Grace leaves me empty-handed.

All I can do is receive it.

Paul wrote:

A gift.

That means I do not get to stand there explaining why I deserve it.

I just take it.

Maybe that is why grace can be uncomfortable.

It leaves no room for pride.

I have also questioned God’s love when life hurts.

I do not always say it that way, but the thought is there.

If You love me, why did You let this happen?

If You love me, why did that person leave?

Why did the prayer go unanswered?

Why did the door close?

Why did I have to wait?

Why did You not stop it?

Those are real questions.

I do not think God is threatened by them.

But I also know I cannot measure His love only by whether life is going the way I hoped.

If I did that, I would have to say God stopped loving almost everyone in the Bible at some point.

David suffered.

Joseph suffered.

Paul suffered.

The disciples suffered.

Jesus suffered.

Pain is not proof that God has left.

I wish it were easier than that.

I wish love meant nothing bad would happen.

But Scripture never promises that.

What it does promise is presence.

That may be what I need more than an explanation.

Not an answer to every why.

Just the knowledge that He has not gone anywhere.

Sometimes love looks like comfort.

Sometimes it looks like correction.

I do not always like that part either.

There are times God has said no to things I wanted badly.

At the time, I thought I knew what was best.

Looking back, I am grateful He did not hand me everything I asked for.

A good Father does not prove His love by agreeing with His child.

Jesus said:

I used to hear correction and think punishment.

Now I am trying to hear care.

If God did not love me, He could leave me alone.

Let me wander.

Let me ruin things.

Let me become whatever my pride, anger, or fear wants me to become.

But He does not.

He corrects me.

Sometimes gently.

Sometimes in ways I do not enjoy.

Still, He stays.

“Correction is not rejection. Sometimes it is one of the clearest signs that I am still being loved.”

That one matters to me.

Because I have mistaken God’s correction for distance before.

I thought disappointment meant He was done with me.

I thought failure meant I had somehow used up grace.

But then I come back to the cross.

That is where all my arguments start falling apart.

Christ did not die for a cleaned-up version of me.

He did not wait to see whether I would become worth the trouble.

He already knew.

That may be the hardest part for me to grasp.

He knew who I would be.

He knew what I would get right.

He knew what I would get wrong.

He knew the pride.

The fear.

The anger.

The doubt.

He knew the things I still do not like about myself.

None of it arrived later and surprised Him.

And He loved me anyway.

John puts it simply:

He loved first.

Before I understood.

Before I performed.

Before I proved anything.

I keep coming back to that.

Maybe I need to stop asking God why He loves me.

Maybe I need to stop looking for the catch.

Maybe I need to believe Him.

Not in some vague, religious way.

Actually believe Him.

Enough to pray honestly.

Enough to come back when I fail.

Enough to stop hiding.

Enough to accept correction without assuming I have been rejected.

Enough to quit treating every hard season as evidence that He has changed His mind about me.

There is another verse I have known for years:

Nothing shall separate us.

I have read that many times.

Maybe now I need to let it sink in.

He said that He loves me.

I do not understand everything about that.

I do not always feel worthy of it.

Some days I do not feel lovable at all.

But maybe my feelings do not get the final word.

He already spoke.

And I am trying to believe that He meant what He said.